The Irony of Self-Reliance

When I got married and changed my last name to Leatherman from Schuler my mom, a New York newspaper editor, wrote an article lamenting that she should have taken me to more NOW rallies and less shopping malls. She worried about me losing my identity. And many years later when I left my steady job to be home with my babies, she worried even more.

“Always be able to take care of yourself” and “never depend on anyone else to take care of YOU” are lessons that run deep.

I also recognize that we women are born with fierce independence. My 9-year old daughter hates having things done for her. If my southern-born husband opens the car door for her, she will step back until he “get’s out the way!” and there have been more than a few occasions where she’s closed the door and reopened it herself.

And so for many years there is a sentence in my bio and in our mission here at Wise:

“Kiva is passionate about teaching women to be self-reliant with their resources of time, money and intellectual capacity.”


And it’s true – I imagine an ideal world where no one stays in a job they hate, or a bad relationship or compromised in any way to have their needs met.

Everyone of us deserves freedom. And the ability to make money is the keystone to freedom. When we can take care of ourselves we have choice.

friends at the beach AND… now that I’ve created this for myself (and get to enjoy the confidence that comes with the day that you realize that you could lose everything and still take care of yourself and your family – no problem)…

I realized the other day that I am MORE reliant on other people than EVER.

The bigger Wise gets, and the more women who gather here in this house of Truth, Community and Actual in-the-flesh results – the more I require tending.

I’m learning to allow others to take care of me. To let me be the one being supported instead of always supporting.

And even with my clients, being SUPPORTIVE instead of THE SUPPORT (which, btw, is WAY more empowering for them).

With a LIVE 3-day Event coming up, and history of getting REALLY sick after live events, I asked myself “What would it look like for me to NOT get sick?”

It looks like my husband coming with me to Los Angeles and holding me while I sleep at night. It looks like working on my nutrition and endurance with loving suppotubingrt leading up to the event. It looks like inviting INCREDIBLE colleagues to come and share their gifts so that it’s not all on ME.

And in the rest of my business, it looks like (Finally!!) having a team that tells me what to do and when to do it- instead of me pulling all of the weight of the ship.
And friends: It looks like friends who I can cuddle up with and crumble into a puddle of tears from time to time and who allow me to do the same for them – no saving, mothering or fixing necessary.

At home it looks like an amazing Nanny and Housekeeper. My next desire: a true-blue personal assistant who can simply help keep it all together.

There is no freaking way I could be self-reliant anymore… Why would I even want to be? And that, my love, is the ironic outcome of becoming “self-reliant.”

So much goodness,

6 Comments on The Irony of Self-Reliance

  1. Claire
    August 15, 2015 at 2:01 pm (2 years ago)

    Yes to all you say. The irony hit me a few years ago. Striving and struggling to make it all on my own, feeling that my guidance of others as a coach wasn’t valid until I’d proved to the world that I can do it alone – caused me a lot of mischief and pain. I was single parenting two babies, dependent on others for money, and yet thinking I could mother the kids, be a great homemaker, and there was something wrong because I wasn’t also progressing my holistic therapy work and coaching. I read John Dunne’s No Man Is An Island – this gave me perspective. Finally my Small Self began to accept that I couldn’t do it all – and that is OK. There is a time for everything and a career while full time single parenting (with no support) ain’t gonna happen girlfriend. I made peace with it all. Now my boys are much older, now time is right to start earning money directly, through my passions. It is a strong and wise woman who can admit that she is dependent on others in different ways and not belittle and shame herself for it.
    I used to feel shame that I couldn’t pay for EVERYTHING myself. Now I see that I don’t need to. I have created a home in a family member’s house rent free (they live elsewhere and benefit from me because I maintain the property). I created that saving in money – I don’t have to earn rent and my time is free for other things. I had a First Class flight experience because someone blessed me with the ticket. How prosperous is that! The energy of money comes in SO many forms, not just hard cash in hand or digits in a bank account. I live and breathe so much more easily now I see differently. I subscribe to the idea that if I’m on the vibration of wealth and prosperity because of how I think, I don’t ever need to fear destitution. All my needs will be met in the perfect time/space/sequence. I do also accept that it is super empowering to have money flowing to me through my own endeavours, so I could pay for everything if I chose. This I DO want for myself but with a soft grasp rather than a white knuckle grip. Loving your stimulating blogs Kiva. Hugs, Claire

  2. Rene Hader
    August 15, 2015 at 2:44 pm (2 years ago)

    I have read this message from many, many voices… And I have to tell you dear Kiva, yours is the only one that brought tears to my eyes because of how lovingly it was written / shared. I love your approach / style. You are just as loving as you are powerful. That’s a winning combination and one that will continue to build your Empire, far, wide and deep. You have a Living Legacy my dear, one that is alive and well in the here and now… Thank You for sharing your wonderful wisdom and great love. ⭕️❌

    • wiseadmin
      August 16, 2015 at 12:08 pm (2 years ago)

      well now you made me cry. I can’t tell you what this means to me Rene. Thank you.

  3. Summer
    August 15, 2015 at 2:59 pm (2 years ago)

    The big cosmic joke revealed. Well written – as always!

  4. Alisha
    August 15, 2015 at 3:53 pm (2 years ago)

    Great! Insight on Self-Reliance!

  5. Shay H.
    August 15, 2015 at 11:51 pm (2 years ago)

    Definitely a great look at being self reliant! Thanks for writing this awesome blog …. Said so well!


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